“What’d you all bring today?” asked Logan to Johnny and Kendall. Johnny opened his lunch box to pull out a container of spaghetti and meatballs, a piece of garlic bread, and a bottle of Coke.
“I brought some spaghetti and garlic bread from dinner last night,” said Johnny. “It has my mom’s special sauce and my dad’s secret meatball recipe in it. I made and cooked the garlic bread from scratch!”
“I have some steak tacos leftover from going to that new Mexican restaurant yesterday,” said Kendall. “It has some corn salsa and sour cream. I also brought chips and queso to go along with it.”
As Logan listened to Johnny and Kendall explain their lunches, he pulled out a turkey sandwich, a bag of potato chips, and a juice pouch. He also had a small cup of red sauce. Logan proceeded to take one piece of bread off his sandwich, open the cup of red sauce, and pour it onto the turkey.
“Dude,” said Kendall. “You should really see a doctor about your addiction.”
“Yeah man,” said Johnny. “It can’t be safe to put hot sauce on everything like you do.”
“But it’s a special hot sauce today,” said Logan. “It’s ghost pepper hot sauce. My dad found it when he was travelling for work and bought it for me.”
“Hey, Logan!” said Janelle from the other table. She waved her hand, signaling for Logan to come over. Logan stood up, and strolled to the other side of the lunchroom to Janelle’s table.
While Logan was at Janelle’s table, Brick lumbered over to Johnny and Kendall. Brick was the school bully. He was known for being a numbskull, and a jerk, especially to Johnny, Kendall, and Logan.
“‘Sup nerds?” said Brick.
“Leave us alone, Brick,” mumbled Johnny.
“You losers enjoying lunch? I forgot to bring mine. Maybe you can share?” chuckled Brick.
Brick then proceeded to snatch Johnny’s garlic bread and one of Kendall’s tacos, engulfing both in a couple of bites. He noticed Logan’s sandwich sitting on the table and reached for that as well.
“Uhh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” said Kendall.
“Pfft, what do you know, idiot?” quipped Brick.
Brick then grabbed Logan’s sandwich and took a gigantic bite. It only took a couple of chews before the heat kicked in. Brick’s face went white, and lips went numb, and it looked as though he would pass out.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Brick screamed, loud enough to be heard from the classrooms in the neighboring building. Brick bolted from the cafeteria, desperate to find a way to ease the pain. Logan came running back to the table.
“What the heck happened?!” asked Logan.
Kendall and Johnny looked at each other and smirked. “Let’s just say he learned not to mess with you anymore,” they said, trying to stifle their laughter.
“Crop Male Chef Serving Delicious Sandwich” via Pexels
Story Source: Uncle Remus and Brer Rabbit by Joel Chandler Harris
Author’s Notes
In the original story, most of the characters are animals. I decided to make them all human in my story to help the plot a bit, as I felt that trying to introduce both animals and humans interacting in the story would be difficult to do succinctly. The bully in this story is parallel to the lion in the source story. However, I decided to make it appear more of an accident than trickery. Brer Rabbit tricks the lion to get into a barrel that ends up burning him. In my story, the bully did everything himself. Brer Rabbit convinces the lion to hop in the barrel, while Kendall actually tries to convince Brick *not* to hurt himself.
Hey Nathan, your retelling and modernization of this story was incredibly creative, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it! I've never read this respective stories, but I like the modern twist because when the Lion/Brick does the thing they're not supposed to you can't help but sit back and just let it happen. Not only that, but there's a type of satisfaction seeing the Lion/Brick get what was coming to him. Finally, the dialogue and writing in general was great and very clear! I hope to read more of your work in the future for sure!
ReplyDeleteNathan, I enjoyed reading your story from start to finish. I love the modernization and creative retelling of the original story. You tell the story with good details and imagery, too. It's well-written and concise and you were able to carry out the story's plot smoothly. Brick definitely deserved the burning pain; I liked that you made the incident develop from an accident rather than trickery. Great work!
ReplyDeleteHi Nathan,
ReplyDeleteI like the creativity of this story! I also really like the image you included. I think it is a fun and clever picture that goes well with the tone of the story. It is always fun to read a story of a bully in trouble! I liked how you took a story of animals and made it about humans in a normal, everyday setting, while keeping the moral and tone of the story the same. Very good story!